Bowlin shoes and long nights.

One of the benefits of being a mom is the endless nights spent worrying. Since Lily has this cold and is on the downslope from chemo, I'm keeping a close eye on her. The past 'I don't remember how many nights' I have been awoken to "Muuuuuudddder! I neeeeeed you! " . The little voice is panicked and I rush as fast as my tired and achey body can get down the hall. Sometimes she just requires a pull up change, but it usually ends with me snuggled next to her trying to catch a few more winks before she determines it's time to go downstairs and start our day. This week's startin times have ranged from 3-6 am. It has been interesting. On top of it, it's drill weekend- so Phil is working both days. Gotta just hold out til Monday- he'll be off. Problem is he'll be just as tired as me. bummer.

Yesterday Phillip had a birthday party to go to. A birthday party that, had I been given the invitation before Friday- would have had 3 opportunities to pick up a present. So now I get to look forward to a trip to walmart with 4 kids on the way to the party. Since Lily is sick- we all can't go to the bowling alley for the party. Waaaaaay too many germs. Her fever is up and down so I call Stewart to see if I could impose on his Saturday night plans and ask if he can take Phillip to the party and bring him home. He agrees. But of course Lily falls asleep on the couch while I am showering. Waking Lily, not a good thing. But also I worry that she is getting worse. We make it in and out of Walmart in record time and record volume(whining, not purchases).

I drop Phillip off and the girls and I head home. Phil should be off around the time the party is finishing so I call him to have him coordinate with Stewart. The have just gotten back from flying- I don't think he heard a word I said. So I call him around the time I guess he will be leaving- he is on his way home but goes back to get Phillip. The party family offers to take Phillip to a movie and then bring him home . The biggest problem there is that one of us has to wait up for him. Phil realizes that it will most likely not be me. I go off to bed around 10.

"mmuuuuuuuuuuuuddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr! I neeeeeed help!" I look at the clock 2:06. Oh good lord. I change her pull up. She wants me to stay. I feel her- not too warm. My back can't handle another night wedged into the specifications that Lily finds acceptable- I think contortions are a better description. I tell her she's fine, get her some water knowing full well that this will result in my having to change her pull up again before dawn. She is snoring lightly by the time I leave her room.

"Mama! Mama! I'm scared! Muuuuuuuuuuuddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeer!" Ugh. I want to cry. 3 something in the flipping morning. I check on her. She's wet again. She's not feeling well. Her upper sheet is wet- fortunately it was wrapped all around her and the bottom sheets are dry. The full bed change can wait til morning. I get her a new sheet and Phil walks in to see what the problem is. I can't do it. I tell him. I am just too tired. He sends me back to bed and crawls into Bella's bed. Where's Bella?, I ask. She fell asleep on the couch, I left her there. I guess that turns out to be convenient. I try to protest, he has to work tomorrow- just meetings- he sends me on my way. I hear Phil and Lily talking as I gratefully flop into bed. Both of our tanks are running on empty, I hope we get to refuel soon.

Around 6am I hear Phil come in and hop into the shower. He is followed by Bella and Lily who climb in on each side of me. Lily is pale and has circles under her eyes. Bella looks like she crashed on the couch. I ask Phil how she did- they were pretty much up the rest of the morning. He says he think her fever broke. How high was it? "It broke, it's fine. Later I'll need academics on the thermometers, I don't think they were right." OH F%$#- how high was it?! It was high- he knows I am overly cautious with fevers. The first 3 times it went over 100, I called the doc and rushed her into the hospital in the middle of the night, he would have waited it out. 2 of the times it broke- the 3rd she was really sick. 2 nights ago I waited it out. It was awful- hence part of the reason I'm so exhausted. It's the mental torture of deciding is it bad, or is it normal cold stuff? What if it's more? Even a cold if she's neutropenic is bad. He assures me it's just the cold, she's gonna be Ok. So I feel bad he was up most of the night and has to go into work, I feel bad I am so tired. I should have at least waited up for Phillip. What time did Phillip get in?

Funny story. He fell asleep on the couch with Bella. The doorbell rings. He opens it and Phillip is standing there with his friend, Phil looks down- they both still have bowling shoes on. The dad explains that he already made a call and will exchange the shoes tomorrow. I shake my head- we just got Phillip new shoes a week ago. What goof balls.