Finding Time

As a mom, I feel the one of my main goals has always been to find the time. Find the time for fun stuff through the mundane but necessary. Find time for hugs when arms are loaded with laundry. Find time for people at the expense of self. Finding time for me when it feels like time is running out. 

Cancer robs you of many many things. The first thing it robs you of is health. People look at cancer different ways- sometimes cancer is seen as a warning, time to clean up the system and reboot. Some times it feels like a death sentence, something to be dealt with over and over until the pardons don't come through. Sometimes it is a life sentence- a way of living after you learn what is worth living for. 

Cancer robs you of the ability to plan. It is not merely indecision. It is living day to day not knowing what tomorrow holds. It is knowing that at the last minute you will be forced to change plans for events that are out of your control that need to be dealt with. It is making tough decisions knowing that those decisions will occupy your schedule to keep you here. To keep you alive. 

Cancer robs you of time. Time for appointments. Time for surgeries. Time for chemo. All take the place of things like time for taking the kids to the beach, time for fun,  time for cleaning.The absolute needs go first. More often than not there is not enough time left over for wants- unless you find time. 

This weekend- like any other weekend- filled with activities- we go from a soccer game to a production(Schoolhouse Rock this time) to another production-to squeezing in a pumpkin patch visit to another production to what the heck happened to the weekend. Relief flooded over me when Phil said he had Monday off. OFF. There are no off days in cancer world and I haven't even decided on treatment yet. These hectic days will be a fond memory of quiet times in a few weeks. But watching the girls do what they love- makes me happy. Listening to Phillip play the piano while I try to pick up the house makes me happy. Being with Phil makes me happy. Even if it's running around and trying to squeeze everything in.


So Monday began with a plan- our traditional off Monday morning "date" walk to starbucks. I've missed it. I launch into discussion of treatment research

and ideas and my thoughts. Not the traditional walk and talk and laugh, but something we have to find time for. I know that the treatment decision has been weighing heavily on me. It’s weighing heavily on Phil. I also know that I feel bad that doctor’s appointments occupied the entire week. It not only robbed me of fun time but them too. I hate the collateral damage.  Phil and I discuss what needs to be done today and what we would like to do. He wants to go to a movie. The kids want to take out Halloween decorations. I need to clean. I promised them we would do it over break and we are officially on the holiday day off after break. 

We get home and tell the kids the plan- in order to do Halloween decorations- the house has to be picked up. I start by a bookshelf- Phil plays the trailer to Gravity and asks the kids who wants to go see it. Everybody does- so they all start picking up. I’m not sure it’s the best movie right now. I call my neighbors and get their official movie review. She said it’s really not too scary- the kids are more likely to be bored that it kinda preys on the adult theme of suffocating in the vastness of space. I hang up and feel the suffocation of decisions, of the cleaning, of the trying to squeeze in fun which doesn’t sound fun. And like that -I can’t breathe. I’m sitting in a puddle on the floor- kids have scattered and I am sobbing and not breathing. Phil looks confused. I can’t watch a movie about suffocating in space right now- I just can’t and the house is filthy and there is stuff everywhere and I can’t bring more decorations into the house in this state.  He smiles- who cares- the cobwebs are authentic. And I love him and want to smack him with a very large cobweb.

 He starts leafing through a laundry basket filled with papers and odds and ends that has been sitting there for months. Every week I think I’ll get to it. But then I had to get a MRI and a PET and a BIOPSY and a PORT and I really don’t feel like organizing my desk. But he knows I want to do it but don’t want to do it and definitely don’t want him to do it. He’s pushing my buttons. He also knows that when I get upset I clean and I’m obviously upset and he’s showing me the path. In an hour we’ve tackled the basket- and the front room is feeling livable again. He gets down the Halloween decorations from the rafters. It’s pretty much dinner time. And like that time has gotten away from me again. Yet the kids squeal over the Halloween books and help put everything out and even though we didn’t get to a movie- we did accomplish that. Sometimes time is funny that way.  There isn’t enough time to do everything- so you just have to decide what it is you need to do. And in that process everyone may not get what they want, but you might sometimes find- what you want most is to get what you need. And when you are really lucky like me- you have someone wonderful who takes the time to make it happen.