Mid-Cancer Crisis. Staying the LFS Course.

I feel like EVERYONE I know is battling cancer. Various stages and various levels of support- like any challenge in life.

As a family we are stuck in Mid-Cancer Crisis. This is living LFS. Li-Fraumeni Syndrome- the hereditary cancer syndrome from hell. How do you feel? Like Fucking Shit. Fine. I'm fine.

We are mid scans. Bella's was Friday. Phillip was Saturday. Kiera and Lily are status quo. phew. which is not to say clear- but this is how we live- we triage. Like Fucking Superstars. One day at a time. No news is good news.

I am mid cycle. I had a fever this round- shhh don't tell- I didn't go in. I didn't call. I took extra hydrocortisone and tried to sleep. everything hurt. Things were runny. Normally I'd call my friend D'Ana who would never call a nurse for a 100.5 fever but would absolutely tell me to. Little Fevers Suck. They too pass.

I am mid way to losing all my shit with the kids. They are kids. One more week of summer. Phillip and Bella got to spend almost a month with Grandma Sandy and Ed. Kiera and Lily enjoyed the independence when Phil and I went to Alaska.  Lotsa Fun Summer. Reminders of summers past.

I feel invisible. I feel exhausted. I feel like I'm drowning in the trying to, needing to do better. I feel like I have to find the energy to put the smile on and fake it til we make it. Let's Fake Smile.  We are making it.

Somehow we are back to whatever normal we are. I know it could be worse. I so want it to be better. Looking Forward Some. Even if just a day at a time.

I can't live like I'm dying.  The toll on Phil. The toll on the kids. I can't live like this is normal. the toll on me. Let's Find Strength.

I am am midway through rearranging furniture. I focus on cooking, even though nothing sounds good.  Small changes. Things I can control. Things that are important.

Love. 
Family.
Surviving.