Better.

How do you not become bitter?

I've known Phil more than half my life. He is my best friend. We've stood by each other at our best. We've helped each other at our worst.

Years ago, I became a fighter pilot's wife. Fortunately I knew that fighter pilot way before he was a pilot- so I saw through much of the shenanigans. It wasn't either of our identity, just a part of a bigger picture. I was never a trophy, nor he- we are partners. The thing with partnership is it isn't always 50/50. Sometimes it's 110/110. Sometimes it's 150/-45. 

Yesterday morning he hugged me. Which is not unusual- he hugs me every morning. But it was one of those hugs.

This year. oh. This year. It was the best of years, It was the worst of years. The best being that I'm still here, I think. Phil always makes me better. He makes me want to be better. We have been through some shit. It is difficult to not be bitter. It is a conscious choice. It is work. Like life, like relationships. It is worth it. Even though sometimes we wonder. 

There is always someone who is going through a rougher time. There is always someone who has it easier. There is a very deserving person, who gets no recognition. There is the slacker who seems to just skate by.

Not only did Phil care for me and the kids during one of the scariest times in our lives, he somehow balanced several jobs and so many other responsibilities. He does not complain. He does it, because he is that good of a person. He has been through hell. He has cards stacked against him repeatedly. He does the work of others, because they cannot be bothered and it needs to get done. He genuinely cares. He sacrifices free time and time with us. He is here when it matters. He is my rock.

Others carve out time for vacations, he makes sure he is at every chemo, every scan. He makes dinner, he does laundry. He takes the kids to appointments when possible. He is not perfect. He works too hard. But he is perfect for us. He loves me, scars and all. Moods and all. Better yet- he seems to really like me. I know I REALLY like him. He makes me laugh. We laugh a lot- even when we fight. I get upset because I want more time with him. I know he does too, but he is making sure everything is taken care of. He takes care of his people. I am so lucky to be his people.

Every year for his birthday, I want to celebrate him. He is as uncomfortable with that as I am with my birthdays. We don't need the big fanfare- but we thrive when the ones we love and respect show us their love. Of course this year, he had Air War College deadlines to meet- so we cleaned up the dishes and he hit the computers. Yes computers- because it takes 2-3 for him to operate efficiently -while fielding texts from work on both his personal phone and work phone. The next night, we rally the kids and have a rare dinner out- celebrating that he finished not 1, but 2 online courses. While being a squadron commander, attached to a flying squadron, dad and husband.

I am quiet lately because it is hard. It is hard to not get bitter. It is hard when dreams seem ever elusive. Planning feels like a set up for disappointment. We both struggle with it. There is Plan A, B, C all with options. There are those who have an abundance of help while we watch so many others struggle. I hate that we are so busy- it is a rare event that we can help others. Yet we continue to work hard, to make it better. We want it to be better for our kids. That is not to say so they don't have to work hard, but so they work better. Not to be better than others, but to be our better selves, to help others be better. Always shooting for our best, always hoping for better. And sometimes before we get there, we just have to BE. So yesterday, in that hug, we just were. It wasn't a vacation- which is direly needed- but it was a respite. For those minutes, everything was better. Because of him.