Life, Balance, Onward.

Every few days- I think- I should update the blog. Then life swirls in and we are swooshed past, around, under, over and away from the update I was about to give. 1 step forward, 1.5 steps back- encroaching on previous gains.

So much happened over the summer, some HUGE Mallory milestones. Summers are historically busy for Phil, so we usually take on Home Improvement Mallory Edition. This year was no different. As Kiera geared up to fly the coop, these exercises are lessons and memories wrapped in a bundle. They also give me faith that she has the tools to tackle the obstacles which will inevitably be flung in her path. Yet she planned her dorm room space, pricing items and we spent a lot of time pre-bargain shopping.

I spent my "free" time just getting through daily tasks with help from the girls and squeeze in self care where possible. For me, philanthropy and crafts are self care. So I am trying to catch up on digital scrapbooking, aka "the historical documents" and gearing up for our first Living LFS Family camp- which Lily and Bella will go with me to.


I am impressed and frustrated by how bad my memory is, that I have no idea where so many pictures live or how to combine them in a useful way. So after a mindnumbing few weeks, I just say screw it, pick the next year and try to scrounge up photos. Then shutterfly locks up and customer service says they cannot possibly ascertain what the problem is- have I cleared the cache, turned it on and off....the usuals. So I start researching other digital options, find mixbook and get back to work. So I figured- let's update via photos...and the same problems persist here.

Soooo, Phil fortunately had a conference in Denver the same time I had parent Orientation at University of Denver with Kiera. Emotions were rampant for all of us on different levels. I was reminded again how lucky we are to have family and friends who are pretty much family, everywhere. SO many helping hands with Laundry, transportation, shopping and keeping me sane via big hugs. No offense to any, my favoritest hug was from my dear friend's 1 year old- Ginger Ninja. I am a bit partial to gingers- even blondey ones!

As Phil's conference wrapped up( ask me sometime about the fascinating experiences with Guard Units from West Virginia and Kentucky.... all I have to say on that is :Moonshine and Bourbon)- he looks at me one afternoon in a very rare quiet moment and asks "she's gonna be OK right?"  Yeah, she's gonna be great. So I sit and write her a card, reminding her that things get hard, but they also get good, and great. I am so ridiculously excited for her. I am just sad for how much I'll miss her- but that's so normal- I kinda also love it. I remember the freedom of Freshman year, following such profound loss. The loss this time is mostly mine, but it is worth it because the world is gaining so much more. We have laid a good foundation.

The past years have had some very not so pretty moments. When Kiera was little we often joked about keeping her off the pole, she always had a strange love of hotels and dancing. After a few rough times- she pulled it all together and excelled. Her future may very well contain hotels, but more in a management position as she is very excited to be studying Hospitality Management. Take what you love and make it work for you. Within 48 hours of our leaving, she was hired at Old Navy(great plan for winter clothes and spending money), joined the figure skating club(so much fun) and went to a frat party(boring). She is rooming in a suite with 3 other girls and navigating those waters very tactfully. All that sister experience comes in handy.

Phillip sometimes lacked focus but got where he needed to be. Sometime during Junior year this changed. I've wracked my brain, my faulty memories- was it something I did? Something I didn't do? His star crossed love? The wrestling concussions? Our medically chaotic existence? There is no answer. Calls to my mother in law, friends led to the conclusion that I sometimes get what I ask for- a very "normal" experience in the form of a man-child teen not quite adult. He's been floating. Searching. I wish I could spare him the experiences he seems bound and determined to have. His dad and I discuss constantly new approaches, assign good cop, bad cop. But most of all we love him and have faith he will find his way in his time. He is studying computer programming this semester, paying for courses himself, working at starbucks and working out. To those who understand and have given me hope, thank you. I think in our existence with cancer and LFS, there is often this sense of urgency to live, to accomplish certain things and he reminds me that sometimes we just have to live without the timeline ticking over our heads.

Lily is a Freshman. In HIGH SCHOOL. She is a born leader(aka control freak- yeah I'm talking about you LIL!) She amazes me every day and is bound and determined to have so many incredible experiences and to pick up where Kiera left off in caring for me. Which alternately heals and breaks my heart. She is struggling with anxiety(yep she's my kiddo), so we are working on techniques and ways to get her through scans, and life. She is really looking forward to Living LFS Family Camp and I am so excited for her to be around others who get it!

Bella. Oh dear Bella. An 8th grader. She is a FORCE to be reckoned with. She keeps me laughing with entirely inappropriate humor for her age. I think she definitely channels her Grandpa Connolly with her sense of humor. She upgraded to bass clarinet in band, still plays piano and is Dobby's new sleeping buddy. She loves all things, weird and scary. Panic!At the Disco and Chucky are her current faves.

Phil. Is my Rock. I love him more than anyone or anything. He quietly handed me chocolate(rocky mountain chocolate factory chocolate- the GOOD stuff) tissues and wine as I slowly cut the college umbilical cord. He did say this was a new experience as he was just dropped off at the 'bus stop' for "college". I did remind him that his mom and I did the dropping and it was a looooong tearful drive home. He was allright- yeah?

He drove me to the mountains, where my dad and brother's ashes are. He let me sit and purge all the emotions. I watched lightning and thunder move in, feeling the energy and electricity of it all. Bought the kids random Colorado souvenirs and a huge ol' sage stick to smudge my house with.

Kiera Facetimes me almost daily. I miss her a ton. We are busy. Doc appointments, school, life. Friends here meeting us on short notice for lunch pick me ups(thank you Heidi).  Playing the mix n match chemo game is helping me figure out which side effects are from which med. yay me. Good times.  It could be worse. I felt pretty good in Denver. My joints are doing better, but other cancer aches have increased. I am envisioning this as the herceptin killing off the new growth. The other meds keeping the other stuff stable and well- balance. My memory is crap, I'm super tired but all in all one foot in front of the other. We are man to man defense now instead of zone and although sometimes it's hard and lonely, I am so lucky. Lucky in love. Lucky in friendship. Still grateful for every day. Thank you for being a part of this crazy journey.