Hope.

The circle of life has changed. To this day when I think of the Circle of Life, I think of Mufasa and Simba. Everyone has their place. Everything happens for a reason. Without one piece in a course of events, each following piece is permanently altered. Sometimes the reason is evident immediately, sometimes it takes years to see how one event places us on a path to where we are. Intertwined in all of this is is karma and fate and determination and a whole lotta hope.

Today Lily still was feeling yucky. I was up all night with her, so Phil made the call to the doc and scheduled her appointment for later this afternoon. The appointment was early enough that I thought one of us might be able to still make an award dinner for Stewart who has been prone to doing some outstanding work at UH. By 3:30 we had to call knock it off because Lily's blood hadn't been drawn and no plan B was in place. Each time I talk to Phil he seems distracted, rightly so- any clinic trip is like a mini circus and you never know when you get to be center ring.

I make it home after running errands with Bella and get the big kids from school. They are happy to watch tv for a bit and I check my mail. I am so happy to see that a friend of a friend, who has become a great source of support during this tough time, just welcomed her 3rd little one into the world this afternoon. Canaan, a strong name for a little guy- a trader, a merchant, land of promise. And I smile to see his round little face and tufts of brown hair.


Lily marches through the door bearing dinner. McDonald's. Again. She is very proud of herself. Phil walks in, he's got the bearer of bad news eyes. He said her counts were low but fine, we didn't have to continue shots. Maybe he just hit my car on the way in the garage.

Elikia passed away this morning.

And my heart breaks. For a little girl who wanted to grow up but cancer wouldn't let her. For her parents who will forever be changed. For her sisters who are too young to understand and will spend the rest of their lives searching for answers. And the thoughts and fears try to surface, because some day it could be you. But today it is not. And for that you are thankful which makes you feel worse. I hide my tears in Phils arms for awhile and retreat to my room to wash my face.

I forgot Phillip was watching a movie up there. He wants to know what's wrong and I tell him. Tears come to his eyes. My sweet boy, who we often criticize for feeling too much, is no more than a reflection of us. He runs over and hugs me.

And I try to think of it with a positive attitude. At least she is not in pain. The standard. For every door that closes, a window opens. Was I not just smiling at the picture of a new little person whose name reminds us of the promised land? And the circle of life continues. That will bring Elikia's family no comfort, for their angel is now just that, hopefully in the arms of the army of angels that have gone before. But for me, it's a a slight comfort and hope. There is balance, yet Elikia's family will not feel that balance for quite some time. It will come. So my thoughts and prayers are with them tonight. I hope that they embrace the life of their beautiful daughter as they mourn her death. I hope that they find the strength and courage to get through the pain and loss and find comfort in all that she was and all that her memory will continue to be. I stop to look up the meaning of her name, and of course it is hope.

Phil sends me to Phillip's room later, he has questions. I prepare myself for the big ones. Death, pain, cancer. "Did Elikia get her wish?" Yes, I tell him- I know he is talking about her Make a wish. "Did she get to ride the big rides?" I don't know- I didn't ask- I just know she got to meet Jasmine- but that wasn't actually her make a wish. Her favorite princess is Jasmine, and the family did get to make a trip to Disneyland- but her wish was to write a song and she did. A local musician put it to music and a local singer , Jasmine Trias sang it. Same name as her favorite princess, pretty cool huh? "Yeah- but did she get to ride the rides?" Yes buddy, she got to ride the rides. "Good, I love you mom. " Is that all? "No, I love you very much." I knew this conversation would end with me crying.