Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Lost somewhere between wanting more and just going with the flow is where I linger. The battles have internalized. I've been trying to sort things out for months. Sort the laundry, Sort out homework, sort out routine and sort out feelings. I should be ecstatic. Life right now is exponentially less complicated than it was a year ago, yet my emotions are more so. I go from embracing the purity of the moment to trying to plan for the future to agonizing over the what ifs, to just getting through the day, to realizing another year has passed.

We found our new routine. I still forget Lily's meds from time to time and feel horribly guilty when a nasty tantrum brings it to my attention. I forget to put in her hearing aids before we leave the house and usually curse myself as I have to repeat almost everything 3 times for her. I forget what day it is. I remember when I could recall key pieces of information at will- now I fumble over my own children's names.  Other moms reassure me this is normal and to just be glad we don't have pets or I'd be calling the kids by their names too. I think we should get a pet, and I will name it Dammit.  Come here dammit. Dammit, Stop chewing on that. Better yet, I could legally change all their names to Dammit. George Foreman was onto something there- and I don't just mean the brilliance of indoor grilling. 

I spent the past few months trying to find balance where I don't think there is any. I try to write and it goes round and round. I try to clear my head, but the haze settles back in.  Even though I don't want last year to define us as a family, it has left more than a few permanent marks. I feel like I have been catapulted into a mid life crisis. I don't even believe in mid life crises. I used to think Mid life crises are for those who don't know what they want. I just realized they are for those who know what they want but are feeling the pressure of mortality to achieve them.  It's when the weight of reality starts to taint your dreams. It's the weight of balancing what's important and what's necessary. The hope of doing something more that is beyond yourself merged with the realization that there aren't enough hours to accomplish the basics.

There aren't words to describe the conflict of emotions that surround recovery. I know it's normal. This is the processing time. I want to channel the experience into something positive- but wonder if there is a way to do it without living in it. I love how music helps sort this out. I was trying to come up with an upbeat playlist to improve both mood and exercise time which actually feed into each other. I recently downloaded a new Alicia Keys song that Phil and I both enjoy very much. I always marvel at how he can listen to a song 50 times and only hear the beats or the riff.  I cannot listen to this song without getting chills. I don't know if she captures the feeling or if the feeling is captured in me. For me it embodies the moment you realize it's gonna be okay. That is not to say the pain is over, but you realize it is what it is and the only way to go from there is up.  SO as I am compiling my playlist of upbeat grooves- Phil says _ Hey! How about that new Alicia Keys one?  I laugh and once again he looks at me like I have lost it. What? It has a great beat. He is unapologetic. I know we have listened to the song in it's entirety no less than 5 times together. Have you ever actually listened to the words?  No, again he says- it has a great beat. Yes, but the title is -Try sleeping with a broken heart? Oh, maybe not. But it got me thinking. It's a song that makes me feel. Something that a lot of times I had to push to the back to take care of business last year- so for the past few walks- I listened to it and felt. I highly reccommend it. It captures a certain element of loss. Sometime you lose time, sometimes love, sometimes a friend, sometimes innocence- but you find a way to make it. And in the process you gain something invaluable. Sometimes you gotta do that before you can carry on, Dammit.

1 comment:

  1. Allie McBeal's psychologist told her she needed a theme song to play in her head and find strength in. I have lots of them songs--whatever gets me through the day depending on the circumstances. I think that's why my mom hums--she has theme songs that get her through Korea, Viet Nam twice, Cambodia, 5 kids, pets, flat tires, breaking her tailbone falling on the ice when she's the only one who can drive, forgetting the house keys, losing the house keys, backing out of the garage with the garage door down, breaking her toe on the refrigerator, cleaning up vomit and every other thing that can come out of a human multiple times, never knowing what's next, life. It happens to us all on different scales for different reasons. Keep your theme songs. Sing them to yourself in your head if not aloud. They'll keep you same. By the way, my name is Steven Deborah Cynthia Linda Valerie Deborah. She still calls me that. Love - Deb


Lily Kay Monkey

Lily Kay Monkey
November 2008 Photographed by Shelley Detton (7 Layer Studio)