Work, Working, Working out, Working it out.

Holy hell summer is over. Almost. 2 of 4 monkeys are in middle school. We are back to kids in 3 schools instead of 4.

Bella started 7th grade. After a summer of luxuriating on the couch to many delights of vines- video montage stupidity and sometimes hilarity for those(like me) not in the know- Bella could use some structure again. She did do band over the summer and I've failed at providing much more than that. The deal was- pick up her flipping room and she could paint her wall. Well finally last week, under Kiera's OCD supervision- they made it happen. She was given free reign- added some design and quite a few speckles of paint to the carpet. The carpet matches her in age, I wasn't too bothered. It's seen chemo med vomit, too high g-tube setting vomit regular vomit, and many other fluids both human and canine. She needed something of hers in a joint space. Ah. Parenting. It can be work, you just have decide at which end you want to put the work in.

Lily spent the first part of summer going to cancer camp then participating in the Leadership program at school. Despite having the makings of a GREAT leader- they get to wear purple shirts- enuf said. Leadership is kinda like what we know as student council. sort of.  She then had her MRI and jetted off the next morning to Cali to spend some quality time with her Aunt, Uncle, and Cousins. Bonus time was spent with Grandma and Grandpa Allen and Great Grandparents Bourne! When she wasn't reading and playing with the cousins, she got to explore all the culinary delights of the mainland. I told her to send pics- pics of food I got! It was so nice to facetime her and get to see the cousins. She had great experiences learning about her aunt and uncle's work- even getting a spin in a flight simulator! She got home and it's right back to routine- she's excited to catch up with friends, Leadership and is really helpful around the house. We have a couple more scans to look at some spots. Of course I am nervous- we are at her 10 year survivorship point- but I also know that this is WHY we scan- it could be nothing it could be something we can deal with. We won't know either if we don't check it out. Ah Parenting, it'll work out. Working on being positive and know we will handle whatever comes our way.

Kiera loves summer and to wear regular clothes. She jumped into a lot of activities at the beginning of summer- hiking, beach days, jumping off of rocks and waterfalls. Many details of these excursions, I did not know until later and was glad to have her in one piece excitedly telling me about them. She worked a lot at i-trampoline and has been great about putting money away, at Starbucks. Seriously, she has a plan, she works hard and did all the IB summer homework. Phil and I can both attest- we NEVER did that! After her back injury and ankle, she's shied away from dance. She misses it more than she says- every art piece features a dancer. Her community service project is a dance club, the dance is strong with her and I hope she finds a way to nurture it on her terms. I see so much of myself in her. It's bittersweet. I'm so proud and want to save her from so much all at the same time. Ah parenting, she's working and finding what's worth the work.

Phillip. The man-child. I wish he knew how proud of him we are so he wouldn't find every question to be an attack. Ah, parenting. It is just plain work. He is working at Safeway, promoted to cashier. Switching to UH Manoa this fall for more math/physics/whatever classes. Phil and I have many discussions about how to approach this phase of family and life. He is pragmatic, knows the man-child needs independence. I do too. There's a whole year that is a blur and huge chunks of others. He's been a great kid. He will do great things. He is a good human. He cares deeply. He's gifted in music. He's 18 (yeah parents of 18 year old hear me!) I personally am happy to have him here but do not want to be nanny, chef, maid to a man-child. And man-child has my number. So we invest time and thought and energy into figuring this road out, knowing we will find what works for us in our strange mix of normal under abnormal circumstances. I am trusting the foundation, remembering course correction is not failure but a way forward. I hug him whenever I can, I tell him I am proud of him and where I am coming from. Where his dad is coming from. I go with him to his scans yet make him fill out the paperwork despite every fiber in me wanting to just do it for times sake. It's just nice to be mutual support. And the good news is that everything is stable. Nothing to look into right now. That works.

Phil. commander. Best Friend. Outstanding Dad. He works. a lot. I am so proud of the person and leader he is.  He keeps reciting the need to remain "relevant".  Despite my advice on relevance being relevant and that just because he's only doing 2 jobs instead of 3 in the air force, 3 could be family. I understand the fear- after 5 years of wondering healthwise, friends come, and go, and go. For the short while til they find job 3- trust me it wont be long. He arrives home asking why women are so mean to each other in the work place- cue any variation of our female offspring bickering....Dude when you find that out- we will be set. My very best women friends have all been the kind who help raise each other up. They make me want to be better because they are supportive. I shut down, especially now with the petty bullshit. There are certain social constructs that we fight for over and over and there are just as many that oppose them over and over.  We work hard at being the best we can be, we work out one problem at a time and put a helluva lot of faith in it all working out. it might just surprise us.

So, Kiera comes home from work the other night, tears brimming.
I am resigning and I don't want to talk about it. 

Phil and I had been rather emotionally discussing the other childrens and other partnership type things as we closed up the house- I could tell he wanted to yank her down and demand an explanation. I just shook my head. Give her a minute to process and get settled.

I walk into her room, computer perched on her lap.
Funny- they tell you how to apply for a job but there isn't anything about resigning.

Perhaps if you tell me what happened, I can help. 

Long story short- another employee bounced a golf ball off her head. No she does not work at a golf course. He did apologize in a snarky- dude I'm so proud I schwacked you in the head with my mad skills- way. She went to the manager and asked to leave early. Like her mom, she needs to process.

I let her know under no circumstances is someone chucking a hard ball at her head ok- that she could have called the police. The only thing maybe to be done differently would have been to talk to her manager right then. Part of me thought; he probably likes her. WHAT THE FUCK? That. That. That is why we shouldn't spew all of our thoughts and all thoughts aren't gospel. NOT OK, Under any circumstances.

I just wanted to get away. If they look at the video they will see it all. 

And I got it. That environment was not safe. She did not trust management enough to discuss it then. She resigned without naming names but because of unacceptable work conditions and inappropriate acts by a fellow employee. I told Phil and and his eyes got big- "He DIDN'T..."   "She wasn't.." words drifting.

No bud. You have 3 daughters. We can teach them all the tools in the book and shit can still happen. It will happen. We also have to give them the tools to deal. Before, during, after. And hope the tools never need to be used. Right now, we are mid tool dispensing but she's got the basics and I hate that. She's doing the right thing. He makes a point to tell her eye to eye- under no circumstances was that employee's behavior ok. She wasn't alone, we were there every step if she wanted or needed us.

She went in the next day and had to explain. The manager checked the video then commented how Kiera wasn't lying, it was all on the video. Well no shit sherlock. Way to work out that mystery. First the doubt, Kiera offended her integrity had been questioned. The first reaction should be benefit of doubt not just doubt. And of course the other employees were bustling about the negative comments already on social media.

And here's where we are still failing. She felt bad because he got fired. Phil corrected her- he got himself fired. As for the other employees, I'm sure many of them have their own tales to tell- but his girlfriend who was fired a few months ago probably shouldn't be throwing social media shade and regardless- unfollow, unfriend, dislike ,block. Not our kinda people. This friendship is not gonna work out.

I look at the normals we face. I hate that something like this is categorized as "normal" and that we are still working it out. But this is life, the good, the bad, the work. Sometimes it works, Sometimes WE have to work it out.

Just Exploring Every Possibility

When I was little, we'd head out to visit the grandmas. They lived in Toledo, off Willys Parkway. The exit marked by the huge JEEP plant complete with tall smokestacks bearing the letters OVERLAND.
In high school, I dated a guy who went to Overland High School, I always thought of that exit. JEEP was a big deal, for the community for the world. My grandfather drove the generals around in Jeeps during the War. That exit always struck me as a little piece of history.

You'd turn left onto Berdan, go under the I-75 overpass and head down the tree lined Willys Parkway until you hit Marcos Pizza and the Library off of Sylvania. We visited both quite a bunch during my childhood in Ohio. We even stopped for a potty break in 2012 when I took the kids on a tour of where the grandparents grew up.

As my brother Bob and I got older, we knew neither one of us would be able to afford a car. The summer yard/kool-ade sales were just not cutting it. We decided that although we could not agree on anything, ever, we would but our first car together. He could pick the car, but I got to pick the color. He decided it would be a JEEP. I picked blue. That partnership dissolved as the giant tumor in his head took over.

My parents got him a beater to drive around with what funds they could scrape together despite hospital bills, lost wages from caring for a sick kid and well, life. I refused to drive with him. He had a flipping brain tumor. I don't even know what happened to it- the car not the tumor, I know what happened to the tumor. I was a teen and really pretty involved in attempts at normal. Even I knew tumors weren't normal.

When my turn to drive came. I learned on dad's van. Mom's Accord was stick shift and I just couldn't master it. I would drive my dad to the airport on travel weeks in exchange for use of the van. I was responsible for gas. Eventually dad upgraded me to my own 198o something accord. It was oldish, it had quirks, but ran and was generally reliable. And it was mine. I almost crashed it once- a story Phil loves to tell- in a time where I was 17, invincible and just trying to cope with death around me.

When dad died, I got college tuition and a 1992 Saturn. I got to pick the color. It was blue. That little car ran back and forth between Boulder and C.Springs more times than I can count- in every variation of weather.  I was a bit of a speed demon, sat through driving school to remove points for insurance purposes and paid hefty sums in speeding tickets. When Kiera came home with her first speeding ticket last month- I shrugged- pay it or go to court- your choice. She just wanted to pay it- worked some extra hours at work and based on my ride with her last night- the price was not quite high enough. I issued understanding and warnings. The choices are hers. May the odds be in her favor.

She has a plan. She went and took the driver's test the first day she could, she took driver's ed, she got her probationary license and then her full license when she turned 17. Phillip got his license just so he would have one before her. He was interested in driving for freedom, he was not interested in the family car olympics.

College started for Phillip last year, we thought he should stay near. We are in a time of Just Exploring Every Possibility, while managing health that is relatively quite(ish). Phil and I reminisce how we could not wait to get out and drive- rides with parents, were a last resort.  I would give Phillip rides every so often. He didn't seem bothered.  Kiera got car usage because she transported the littles to school and activities. He tried the bus. It was a fairly epic failure. He worked out a carpool with friends, schedules change. He tried the college shuttle(they have one of those!) but it's reliability was not great. Especially when you call 15 minutes before you need it. He tried biking it. Great for physical workout, but bike maintenance became a limiting factor. Yes we took this opportunity to talk about the expense of maintaining vehicles as he started looking for a car. Kiera gave up looking for a car when she realized she wanted a ticket off this island for college- a car would be an added hassle. The deal is - you buy it, you register it, and take care of everything.  Just Explore Every Possibility.

One night, he asks if he can buy a car. Not either of the 2 he's been exploring. I said standard requirements are still in place.
Boy child:Can I write a check?
Sure, DO you HAVE checks?
 No.
Well that's kinda a problem. You will need to figure out the best way to transfer the money. Do not forget about registration and insurance and gas.
Yeah yeah mom I got it. Can I use the car to go get it tomorrow?
Would you like me to go with you?
No, I got it. How will you get 2 cars home? Ryan's going with me.
Allright. Good luck. Make sure you check everything and everything works. May the force be with you.

Somewhere around noon, he knocks on the door with the biggest grin. The girls and I pile in his brand new 2009 JEEP Laredo. The interior is filthy but in good condition, everything seems to be in decent order except the air conditioning. He says he likes to ride with the windows down. I take the crew to Starbucks drive through to celebrate. I have no idea how this will play out but I'm very proud of this step. I also like that Laredo is the name of the middle school where Phil and I met. The road may be bumpy, but sometimes you just gotta jump in and explore. Anything's Possible.

So Bella and I are at Ross, Looking for new curtains fo her side of the room, and this. this calls to me. A sign. A  sale. whatever. A possibility. We are never further from home than we think we are.