Don't be an Ass.

It is fairly frustrating trying to raise humans up when the world around you seems to be going backwards.

Friday, Lily came home from school. She's our talker. No surprise there. I often tell people, the Mallory's don't have secrets, we have a Lily. If you want to know anything, just ask her. She tells me who is doing what, funny things her teachers say and mostly interactions she has with people.

Friday's interaction was disturbing. She was walking down the hall after 5th period and a boy ran by and grabbed her butt. I set down what I was doing- looked her in the eye and told her that is never OK.  Bella pipes us- yep- grab (pause) butt Friday. (they aren't supposed to swear).  Grab Ass Friday is a THING in elementary school too? well actually says Bella- some boys try to but they are stupid, but today a teacher grabbed a girl and yelled at her.

So many things to discuss. First things first. Lily. who. what. where. when. She tells me. She wilts a little. Part of her was flattered. I can understand. Middle school is tough enough, trying to figure out social whatevers, trying to be liked by little assholes who end up being big assholes and not quite understanding that someday the pond will be much bigger - and the pond needs the good to balance out the ass.

We live in a country where we still have discrimination. Try as you may to believe otherwise and act otherwise, there are many who want to make the pond a swamp while telling you they are draining it. You can add all the gold and water features you want to a swamp, it's still a swamp if it is all sludgey. We live in a country where rich men can grab women inappropriately, laugh about it and there are swamp dwellers who feel that is still less evil, even worse that it is OK. It's a huge setback. We have to discriminate, people are just doing it wrong. Do you want the fresh chicken or the injected, mistreated, genetically modified chicken. You are what you eat. Well shit- I want the fresh chicken then. I just discriminated against the poor injected, mistreated, genetically modified chicken. But it's Ok- I know mutant chickens. smh. Not all are bad for you. We can be discriminating without being unjust. We have differences. Many of these differences need to be celebrated. Unfortunately, a lack of understanding that differences aren't always bad, leads to fear, fear leads to discrimination.

But I digress- I can spout all I want to my children but it means very little if not followed by action. We have to not only BE the good, we have to DO good. I know Lily wants me to be outraged but also sympathetic. She does not want to be singled out or known for THIS. At 12, this is fairly basic human nature- and it's flipping confusing. We discuss how to handle these situations, she said she pushed his hand away. In mama bear mode I suggested that next time a punch would be acceptable and I'd gladly defend her. I know unfortunately this will not be the last time one of my girls deals with sexual harrassment, "boys will be boys" and trying to find the line between good natured fun and objectifying power plays by cowardly people. SO I email her principal. Lily looks terrified. I try to reassure her that she will not have to be front and center in this issue but we have to make sure the principal knows it's going on so it doesn't continue.

I think what bothered me most was that Lily was not herself all weekend. It wasn't a tummy ache, but she "just didn't feel good".  We talked about how this is her gut telling her something was wrong. This is huge. Lily prides herself in being the teacher's pet and following the rules, she has no problem turning rule breakers in. But somewhere in this growing up process, we learn that behavior is less acceptable and cool. She couldn't control the action of that boy in the hall on Friday, she could only control her reaction to it. He had the problem and he was making it hers. So although it's hard to talk about it, we have to do something so other people do not feel this way.

 I was relieved when the principal called me Tuesday. I was pretty sure this would get lost in the holiday weekend flow. She handled it admirably. She wanted to make sure Lily knew she could come to her at any time or any teacher with these concerns and they would help and she could be anonymous. She also wanted Lily to know how sorry she was this happened to her.

We also talked about my telling Lily to punch a kid next time. As a mom, she understood, but we can't meet one assault with another. That made sense, if everyone today retaliated against brutality- it would be chaos. Oh wait. Ok in the heat of the moment- mama bear reacts, but after discussion and rationalization- we have to stick to who we are -we do good. even if others do not. 2 wrongs do not in fact make a right. It is pretty tough to understand- especially when you are afraid your concerns won't be heard.

I know where Lily is coming from. Part of me didn't want to be the mom who overreacts and makes a mountain out of a molehill. I called lil Phillip. Dude- quick question- some kid grabbed your sister's butt- Is Grab Ass Friday a Thing?

No mom. It's Sexual Assault. It is never a THING. That's just wrong. I'm at work.

Ok bud- that's all. And like that- despite many doubts about if anyone hears me, I'm trying my damnedest to swim upstream and give my kids a fighting chance in a time where the good and common sense seem to be on the losing side of the battle. I think that makes me a smart- ass.

Dobby's Kind of Magic.

I am someone who believes everything happens for a reason. I know it's no longer a popular phrase. How people cope with this phrase actually can tell you a lot about where they are in their grieving process.  Sometimes we don't get to know the reason, sometimes the reason is not something we can cope with. That is hard. Loss is hard.

When you deal with cancer(or any trauma), there are many losses, and they occur at times you don't necessarily expect. Body parts, freedom, control, normal. Yet there are many other types of loss. Sometimes you get warning of impending loss and you take steps to mitigate and your heartbreak(not possible, but we try) and sometimes loss comes as a hurricane out of the blue.

I've sat down many times to try and put into words how hard the past few months have been. I just can't. Finally Phil said- we lived through it, dwelling on it will not make it easier. dwelling/dealing tomato/tomatoe potato/ potatoe.

Phil's schedule has been ridiculous. The standard- must do as much as humanly possible while things are "calm". He's flying still, sitting alert still and still squadron commander for the 169th and taking the online air war college course. He's got a plan, or five, I just am trying not to fuck it up too much.

Phillip and his girlfriend broke up the first week he was in Washington this summer and they just said goodbye this week. It was excruciating to watch. Whoever said parenting was like taking your heart and letting it live outside your body- was fucking spot on. He also had injury to the insult of a wonky lump that turned up on his rib. It reminded me enough of my arm sarcoma - I had a few sleepless nights. We had it removed- and fortunately it was a "just" a benign fibroma. When in doubt, cut it out.  Due to scheduling conflicts at Safeway, he resigned and is now working in the kitchen at Buffalo Wild Wings but is  keeping options open. I appreciate the new found focus on school and that these experiences are giving him.    

Kiera is dancing and working at i-trampoline. She's in the IB program in school. Her scans were good- still a wonky behind her knee that we follow but so far no problem or change. She has been begging for a dog for years. Please- I will do everything, take care of everything....more on that later.

Lily had clear scans and is loving the hell outta middle school. She rides her bike with a friend and is currently trying to join every school activity available from dance, to basketball and loves playing the piano in the cafeteria during lunch. Can we please have a dog- I will help with everything. 

Bella- is Bella. I've been worried about her, she's been pretty clingy since my surgery- understandably so- but it's just not Bella. She has a 2.9 cm wonky on her right humerus(arm) that we just had X-rayed to make sure there was no bone involvement(invasion, not  a good sign) and thankfully no. We will rescan by MRI, date TBD. She fell in love with Grandma Sandy and Ed's fur babies in Washington. She moped for weeks and pined over all things pug, terrier and puppy online. I will pick up poop. all the poop.

I am fine. Tired and focusing on the kids, basic daily tasks. I got to tag along to Alaska with Phil and then we had another fabulous trip to the east coast for his youngest brother's wedding. We were gone for a week and it was the first time we left the kids alone. Cancer after cancer, stress after stress- and this is the event that finally gave me gray hairs. But it was time. They did great. Phil promised them a huge HUGE reward if they made it through.  I think he meant Disneyland.

The night after we got home, we had family dinner and offered the kids an amnesty session. Come clean about anything that happened while we were gone and there would be no punishment. If we find out later- the consequences would be huge. Kiera immediately spilled that she did not hurt her foot in dance class, it was from kicking Phillip when they were wrestling. (There was a specific NO WRESTLING rule before we left.) Bella squealed that they pretty much only ate mcdonald's. No big reveals. Phil told them we were thinking of a good reward.

As the kids were cleaning up, Kiera brings me a picture of a rat dog. One of our friends rescued him from the street, couldn't find anyone who would claim him and he wasn't doing well with their other 5 pets. Please. Please. Just temporary. This would be a BIG reward. For years I've said no, I don't need one more critter to clean up after. We have Bella. We would end up with some mutant pup with medical needs. But he was cute and the timing, sometimes, well things happen for a reason. I contact our friend, we make plans to "meet" the little guy on Saturday- a week away. We had a week to get Phil on board.

I made sure each kid understood this was a joint venture and gave them all the questions dad would ask. We started a list of names. Before we knew it- it was Friday and Phillip and I were on our way to get lumpy lumpkin removed from his side.  As we sat in the waiting room, Phil sent the text- Ok, you can get the 🐶.  We made arrangements.

Saturday: As soon as he hopped out of the car- I knew- He was Dobby. And he was ours. Things we've learned:

Dobby is afraid of beer bottles, leaves, and water.

He thinks he is fierce.

He can dismember a stuffed animal in 3 minutes and does love socks.

He loves going for walks and playing catch. Phil, Phillip and Kiera are his favorite playmates.

Bella is his favorite. He snuggles with her at night. She puts him in pajamas that say- I'm not small, I'm fun size. She does in fact clean up all the poop.

He loves Lily and will hug her and loves to read with her.

He has an undescended testicle- Phil wanted to rename him Sammy small- who only had one ball, but one is better than none at all. So yes he's a medical mutant and to get him nuetered would involve abdominal surgery.

He snuggles on bad days and plays on good days. He adds laughter and fun. More so he gives us a reason to laugh and go for more walks and play. And to vaccuum more and pick up more. He gets me out of bed, he keeps me in the present. He is our lil mischievous house elf.