Friday, December 12, 2008

Give daddy a hug!

Some of you may not know, Phil and I have been buds for half our lives. We've seen alot together in the past 16 years for being such youngins. We have learned to communicate pretty well. Sometimes during times of exhaustion and stress- lines of communication break down. Last night was one of those times. When you are on the outside looking in, sometimes the solution is easy. Like when the kids fight we always say-tell them you're sorry and give them a hug. If I didn't have this blasted cold, I'd just do things my way. I really like things done my way. Phil usually humors me and my quirks. After Phil set up the IV, I would have climbed into Bella's bed(Bella and Lily share a room and Bella decided to sleep in Kiera's room) just in case Lily would wake up and try to get out of bed. But since I'm sick- I didn't think coughing in bed next to the soon to be neutropenic patient was a great idea. I mean hanging out at resort tripler has been a blast this past month, but once the vacation's over it's just time to go home.

I tried to convey my concerns to the love of my life. He answers -she won't get up, she'll be fine. But what IF? She won't. But what IF? What do you want? I want to sleep and I won't sleep because every noise I hear will make me jump up to make sure she hasn't pulled the IV pole over on herself or ripped her port out. She won't. But what IF and What if Bella comes in and pulls on it? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH. Lil Phillip wants to know why we are yelling. We're not yelling, we're talking with passion.

Phil doesn't like what if's. He spends half his life dealing with "what if's" aka EP's in the Eagle- but on the homefront- nope. It'll be fine. MY job is to take care of the worrying. That's what I do. I don't plan for all contingincies- but that's merely due to lack of time. Putting a bumper rail on Lily's bed will help remind her not to hop down and walk away. Bella refuses to let me take the bumper off her bed....Lily's old bumper broke....SO I call our neighbor- Shelley. Shelley is the Martha Stewart of our world. We've been neighbors for 4 years and If Lily wasn't sick I'd be pouring all my efforts into sabotaging their impending move. She cooks, cleans, designs, sews, draws, paints,scrapbooks, woodworks- you want it- she can do it. If I need butter- she has it, a babysitter- yep- can you take the kids to school? Sure. Can your husband jump my car- Of course. Got any sugar? yes. A bedrail. You got it. Man I'm gonna miss her.

Phil sets up the rail. I put Lily in bed and he grabs my arm for a hug. I don't want a hug right now, to me this is not solved. This is a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. I go to the bedroom and we continue our "discussion", I don't want to stress Lily out. I will sleep in her room, he tells me- I just haven't slept in four days and wanted to sleep in my own bed. I don't WANT him to sleep in her room. I KNOW how tired he is- I was there 21 days ago. I know exactly how he feels. We are the only two people who know exactly how this feels right now. What do you want? He asks again, fully prepared to give it to me. I don't know what I want, but I know exactly what I don't want- I don't want THIS. Any of this crap. And I would do it my way, but I am sick and I know doing it my way will only make things worse. We agree to disagree- he goes downstairs. I am on my way to apologize when I hear Lily wimpering. I think she must have heard us. I go in and hug her. You didn't HUG daddy. I know daddy and I were fighting like you and Bella fight. I love daddy. Give daddy a hug! OK.

By the time I got downstairs, Phil had the solution. He would keep an eye on Lily until he was ready for bed, I would take a nap now, he would wake me up when he came to bed and I could go check on Lily. That sounded fair. I was pretty sure he was saying that just to get me to bed- in the sleep sense- but I was too tired to call him on it- I knew I'd be up coughing in a couple hours anyhow and I would check on her. I crashed, and at 4am I roll over- no Phil. I walk down the hall, and there he is, asleep on Bella's bed. And Lily didn't get up he tells me- but IF she would have, he would have been there- I should have known that. I'm sorry buddy.

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Lily Kay Monkey

Lily Kay Monkey
November 2008 Photographed by Shelley Detton (7 Layer Studio)