worried sick

Sick kids should not be in school. Sick kids need to stay home and get better and more importantly not infect me and my little petri dishes with their vomitude. A runny nose , does not make one "sick". It may make one "allergic" or "runny" but that too unless accompanied by another factor does not count as an exclusive reason to be kept home from school. SO what of a runny nose AND a vomiting episode, you might ask? Well experience tells me that in a child with a diminuitive gag reflex- such factors are so intrinsically linked that they should really be counted as one then therefore NOT and exclusive reason to be kept home from school. The only reason I would keep them home from school under these circumstances was to prevent them from having to lounge in the healthroom, picking up even more vile illnesses, which has happened now- twice.

The problem with routine illnesses is not that they are present- it's just that all of the sympoms mimic those of acute conditions or induce acute conditions in special endocrine patients whom reside in my home. Which is to say- life becomes and hour by hour mess until crises can be ruled out and virus ruled in. Lily has been coughing for a week or so. One of those allergic, postnasal drip annoying, gets worse when she lays down kinda coughs. Non productive, no real runny nose, no fevers- until Monday night. The night after her sedation for her scans. The night after her doc called to say there's a blip mid femur we would like to take a better look at with another CT and xrays.

So now the worry sets in again. Like it ever leaves, it just burrows in the recesses of my mind - a cancer in it's own right. What if the nagging cough is a symptom of something more- the first sign of a bigger issue? I am so tired. I haven't slept a full night in months. I try to push the worries back and duct tape them to the corner with the knowledge that we will take it as it comes. Nothing is permanent. The worry is as damaging as the radioactive rays they want to bombard her with. I need to find the positive and harness it. Many would turn to prayer. Yet their God is on my shit list once again. Part of me feels that by the destruction of one of the major sources of evil in the world has again tipped the delicate balance of good and bad. I don't see why a 6 year old has to take on any bit of evil when there are puppeteers available with too much good. The balance seems entirely out of whack.

I don’t want her to have unnecessary radiation exposure, but environmentally we are bombarded with it anyhow. Yet the manmade versions frighten me so much more. I can’t explain it- I just know it to be the case. I guess it’s written in my DNA. Or mutated into it anyhow. I would really like to not deal with any of it. But it won’t go away if I bury my head in the sand- it might- but the fear of it getting worse chains me to this progression of events. I’m not ready to throw up my hands and let cancer win- nor am I willing to give it ammunition.