Days 11 and 12 of 21. Trying to Rebound.

Things get busy. There is just so much to do, always. I have moments during the day that I think- this is it- this is today's bright spot. Then it gets buried under the things that have to get done.

I've been spending a lot of time on nonprofit work. It's one of those things that I think- I'll sit down for an hour and then go for a walk. Well 3 hours later I am halfway done with a project and well I think I can finish it by time to pick up the girls.

Thursday I made a lunch date with my sister in law and my nephews. We are so lucky to have them near by. Growing up, I spent my childhood with family near and adolescence far away from family. I love that my kids can hang out with their cousins. Bella doesn't feel like the baby anymore and takes pride in helping with the lil ones. I had an extra hour until school pick up because Lily was trying out for the basketball team, so we sat by the beach and just talked.

I remember- I think it was 5th grade maybe 6th that I tried out for the basketball team. Well I wanted to try out, we had practice during PE and I jumped to grab the ball and came down on Paul's foot. My ankle buckled, I heard a crunch and felt pain. By the time I got home it was swelling. A trip to the ER got me an Xray and a boot- I chipped a bone.

Then in 7th grade I was going to try out for the basketball team with my friend Kim and they day of tryouts got violently ill. Like barely made it to the nurses room. I went home, a week later was diagnosed with mono and that concluded my attempts at any sort of WNBA career. It wasn't likely. I found volleyball which much better suited me considering my disdain for running.

So 5th and 6th graders here can try-out for basketball and volleyball at school. They practice and then do a goodwill competition at the end of the year. The thing is there is no practice before tryouts. SO Lily- who vaguely remembers watching her brother play and hasn't really played basketball decides she wants to try out. Of course we gave away our basketball years ago with the hoop after getting written up repeatedly by the homeowners association. They don't seem to mind the guy down the street who runs a bar out of his garage- but basketball hoop- they gotta shut that nonsense down. Lily wants a basketball to practice, but there are just not enough spare hours for me to run and get one. I tell her to practice dribbling with any one of the semi flat soccer balls, volleyballs or beach balls that are littering the yard. She stomps off.

Lily goes to her tryouts and informs me that they have to go see the coach on Friday and find out if they made the team. Mind you- I don't think it would do anyone any harm to have extras on the team and try outs down the road- but again I don't have the time or energy to rule the world at the moment so I have to let others do what works.  On Friday morning I get the call. It's Lily. She sounds so tiny and sad my heart immediately breaks before she even gets the words out.

I didn't make the team.

Well no shit there were 2 flipping practice/tryouts, I want to tell her. Instead I tell her how proud I am of her for trying and giving it her best and that there is always next year and if she really wants to play we can figure out a local team or something. In the back of my mind I think- WTF. Our after school activity is booked. something would have to give- but it's activity and good for her- we try to encourage that. mother beach.

I gotta go. Her voice cracks.

That's what they don't tell you before you have kids. They can't tell you, you just have to experience it. When your kids' heart breaks. Your heart breaks. I've heard people say- it's like a piece of your hear is taken out and gets to walk around outside your body. You still feel every scuff, every kick when it gets knocked down. And then you try to help mend their wings and hope you will get to feel them soar.

I sit feeling defeated. Really this isn't a big deal, but it doesn't feel that way in the moment. Phil is flabberghasted- he figured she had a fighting chance because of her height and her insane ability to rebound. And I had almost completely forgotten his nickname for her - round mound of rebound. He stopped calling her that as she got older because he didn't want to hurt her feelings or affect her body image. But she, like Sir Charles surprised us time and time again with her ability to rebound through chemo and this time will be no different. And like I do every other time things don't fall in place, I wonder what is waiting for her on the horizon that is better than this-because something is bound to be on it's way.