Don't be an Ass.

It is fairly frustrating trying to raise humans up when the world around you seems to be going backwards.

Friday, Lily came home from school. She's our talker. No surprise there. I often tell people, the Mallory's don't have secrets, we have a Lily. If you want to know anything, just ask her. She tells me who is doing what, funny things her teachers say and mostly interactions she has with people.

Friday's interaction was disturbing. She was walking down the hall after 5th period and a boy ran by and grabbed her butt. I set down what I was doing- looked her in the eye and told her that is never OK.  Bella pipes us- yep- grab (pause) butt Friday. (they aren't supposed to swear).  Grab Ass Friday is a THING in elementary school too? well actually says Bella- some boys try to but they are stupid, but today a teacher grabbed a girl and yelled at her.

So many things to discuss. First things first. Lily. who. what. where. when. She tells me. She wilts a little. Part of her was flattered. I can understand. Middle school is tough enough, trying to figure out social whatevers, trying to be liked by little assholes who end up being big assholes and not quite understanding that someday the pond will be much bigger - and the pond needs the good to balance out the ass.

We live in a country where we still have discrimination. Try as you may to believe otherwise and act otherwise, there are many who want to make the pond a swamp while telling you they are draining it. You can add all the gold and water features you want to a swamp, it's still a swamp if it is all sludgey. We live in a country where rich men can grab women inappropriately, laugh about it and there are swamp dwellers who feel that is still less evil, even worse that it is OK. It's a huge setback. We have to discriminate, people are just doing it wrong. Do you want the fresh chicken or the injected, mistreated, genetically modified chicken. You are what you eat. Well shit- I want the fresh chicken then. I just discriminated against the poor injected, mistreated, genetically modified chicken. But it's Ok- I know mutant chickens. smh. Not all are bad for you. We can be discriminating without being unjust. We have differences. Many of these differences need to be celebrated. Unfortunately, a lack of understanding that differences aren't always bad, leads to fear, fear leads to discrimination.

But I digress- I can spout all I want to my children but it means very little if not followed by action. We have to not only BE the good, we have to DO good. I know Lily wants me to be outraged but also sympathetic. She does not want to be singled out or known for THIS. At 12, this is fairly basic human nature- and it's flipping confusing. We discuss how to handle these situations, she said she pushed his hand away. In mama bear mode I suggested that next time a punch would be acceptable and I'd gladly defend her. I know unfortunately this will not be the last time one of my girls deals with sexual harrassment, "boys will be boys" and trying to find the line between good natured fun and objectifying power plays by cowardly people. SO I email her principal. Lily looks terrified. I try to reassure her that she will not have to be front and center in this issue but we have to make sure the principal knows it's going on so it doesn't continue.

I think what bothered me most was that Lily was not herself all weekend. It wasn't a tummy ache, but she "just didn't feel good".  We talked about how this is her gut telling her something was wrong. This is huge. Lily prides herself in being the teacher's pet and following the rules, she has no problem turning rule breakers in. But somewhere in this growing up process, we learn that behavior is less acceptable and cool. She couldn't control the action of that boy in the hall on Friday, she could only control her reaction to it. He had the problem and he was making it hers. So although it's hard to talk about it, we have to do something so other people do not feel this way.

 I was relieved when the principal called me Tuesday. I was pretty sure this would get lost in the holiday weekend flow. She handled it admirably. She wanted to make sure Lily knew she could come to her at any time or any teacher with these concerns and they would help and she could be anonymous. She also wanted Lily to know how sorry she was this happened to her.

We also talked about my telling Lily to punch a kid next time. As a mom, she understood, but we can't meet one assault with another. That made sense, if everyone today retaliated against brutality- it would be chaos. Oh wait. Ok in the heat of the moment- mama bear reacts, but after discussion and rationalization- we have to stick to who we are -we do good. even if others do not. 2 wrongs do not in fact make a right. It is pretty tough to understand- especially when you are afraid your concerns won't be heard.

I know where Lily is coming from. Part of me didn't want to be the mom who overreacts and makes a mountain out of a molehill. I called lil Phillip. Dude- quick question- some kid grabbed your sister's butt- Is Grab Ass Friday a Thing?

No mom. It's Sexual Assault. It is never a THING. That's just wrong. I'm at work.

Ok bud- that's all. And like that- despite many doubts about if anyone hears me, I'm trying my damnedest to swim upstream and give my kids a fighting chance in a time where the good and common sense seem to be on the losing side of the battle. I think that makes me a smart- ass.